STEP 8
Brotherly Love
“Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.”
During this step, clients make a list of all the people in their lives they have wronged as a result of their substance abuse. These wrongs could be small things, such as a white lie to hide intoxication, or big infringements, such as stealing money to buy alcohol or drugs. The spiritual principle behind this step is brotherly love.
A SOZO Client’s Point of View:
I knew that step 8 was about making a list of people I had harmed and become willing to make amends to them all. Although I had read the “SOZO Brother’s Prayer” on the walls of SOZO and our classroom and was beginning to really like my fellow residents, I still did not understand “brotherly love”. My understanding was more like that of a “buddy thing” than a spiritual principle. Step 8 reads, “Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all” and it still did not sound like brotherly love to me. And then, in an 8th step meeting of A.A., I heard an amazing suggestion that I have used ever since. The suggestion was “study the table of contents in the 12 & 12 book.” On page 7 of the book, “twelve steps and twelve traditions”, in the table of contents for the steps, there is a synopsis of step eight, which reads, “this and the next two steps are concerned with personal relations. Learning to live with others is a fascinating adventure. Obstacles: reluctance to forgive; nonadmission of wrongs to others; purposeful forgetting. The necessity of exhaustive survey of the past. (4th/5th steps) deepening insight results from thoroughness. Kinds of harm done to others. Avoiding extreme judgments. Taking the objective view. Step eight is the beginning of the end of isolation.”
There it was. To attain brotherly love I was going to have to work for it. I was going to have to use all of the spiritual principles I had learned so far in summoning up the courage to make these amends. That’s what brothers do to earn and keep brotherly love between themselves. Their relationship was not a “buddy thing”. Relationships that achieve the status of brotherly love are based on spiritual principles and not just the superficial traits of so many friendships.
This amends process was creating a brotherly bond that I had never before experienced. The bible had several examples of relationships that were mended by love and forgiveness. It was the essence of the holy spirit at work in my life.”
Why the Step 8 List Is Harder Than It Seems
Most men start Step 8 with a short list of four or five people. The first draft usually holds a former spouse and a parent, plus a best friend and an old boss. Sponsors almost always push back on that draft, because years of active addiction leave damage in places a man has not thought about in a long time. The bartender he owed money to belongs on the list. So do the coworker who covered for him and the neighbor whose trust he broke.
A sponsor asks questions that bring more people to mind. Who was around during the worst years? Who did you borrow from and never pay back? Whose calls did you stop returning? The list grows, and the discomfort of reading it is part of why the step takes time.
Who Men Often Leave Off the List
A few groups are easy to overlook:
- Employers and coworkers. Showing up late or impaired is a harm, and so is leaving others to cover for you. Writing it on the list is a private act, and Step 9 decides the right form for the amend.
- Professionals. Doctors and counselors he lied to belong here, along with clergy he deceived.
- Children and extended family. Children of any age notice when a parent is absent in spirit. These harms are some of the hardest to face and some of the most important to write down.
- Himself. Most AA traditions put the man on his own list, because the repair of his body and his future is part of recovery.
- People who have died. Death does not take someone off the list, and an indirect amend is still possible.
The Step 8 AA Worksheet: Four Columns on One Sheet of Paper
A man needs only a pen and a sheet of notebook paper. He draws three lines down the page to make four columns, and he fills one column at a time.
- Column 1, the person. He writes the name of each person or institution he harmed during active addiction. Family and old friends go here, and so do banks and past employers.
- Column 2, what I did. He writes the plain facts of his own conduct. Maybe he stole money from a wallet or lied about where he was. He leaves out the other person’s part and his own excuses.
- Column 3, the harm it caused them. He writes the effect of his actions. He may have cost someone money or broken their trust. He may have frightened his children or kept his wife awake at night.
- Column 4, my willingness today. He writes “yes” when he is ready to make it right, and “not yet” when fear or anger still holds him. He also notes any safety concern, such as a restraining order or a request for no contact.
Willingness: The Column a Man Fills In Last
The step says “became willing,” and that wording describes a process. A man can write down a person long before he feels ready to face that person. Willingness tends to grow through prayer and through honest talks with a sponsor.
Prayer comes first for men of faith. Many groups use a Step 8 prayer that asks God for the willingness to make amends and asks Him to remove the fear and pride that block it. The Twelve and Twelve also points to prayer as a way to build willingness for a hard amend.
A sponsor keeps the work moving. He often asks a man to reread his Fourth Step inventory, because a fresh read brings back people the list missed. He may say, “This one will take time, so set it aside and keep building.” He may also ask, “What is the real resistance here?”
Willingness sometimes arrives as a feeling. More often it arrives as a decision, and the feeling follows over time.
The Person Who Will Not Forgive
Many men fear writing down someone who will not forgive. It may be a parent who has hardened or a friend who has closed the door. Step 8 does not depend on forgiveness. A man’s job is to become willing to make the amend, and the other person’s response is outside his control. A refused amend still counts as a made amend. Recovery rests on a man’s own faithfulness to the work, and other people’s answers do not change that.
When the List Feels Too Long
Some men see dozens of people on the list and feel the work is impossible. Two facts help. First, Step 9 does not ask a man to work the whole list at once. Some amends happen in the first months, and others take years. Second, many harms overlap, so one honest amend can repair a lot of damage. A long list shows how much repair lies ahead, and a man does that repair one person at a time.
The People Who Need a Sponsor and a Clinician Beside Them
Some entries carry heavy weight. An entry may involve a crime or a legal risk, or a person who could be hurt by contact. A man never works through these entries alone. He sits down with his sponsor, who has done the steps himself, and our post on how to find an AA sponsor explains how to find one. Entries tied to trauma or legal risk also need a clinician. Our counselors help a man weigh each of those entries, so his amends repair harm and cause no new harm.
How SOZO Works Step 8 With Men in Treatment
At SOZO, men work Step 8 with a sponsor and with our clinical team. A counselor helps a man see the exact harm he caused and separate his actions from his excuses. We join Christian principles and the 12-step method with evidence-based clinical care. Men live on our Jessieville campus during residential treatment and step down into our Partial Hospitalization Program as they progress. If a man needs medical detox first, our admissions team coordinates his placement with a partner detox facility.
Starting takes one phone call. Our admissions team listens on the first call and helps your family find the right level of care. Call SOZO Recovery Center at 501-984-5317.
PRINCIPLED RECOVERY SERIES – 12 STEPS TO SPIRITUAL AWARENESS
Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) defines the 12 Steps as “a set of principles, spiritual in nature, when practiced as a way of life, that can expel the obsession to drink (or use drugs) and enable the sufferer to become happily and usefully whole.”
The 12 steps are a process of getting honest with yourself, cleaning up the wreckage of your past, and learning how to live your life in a better, more meaningful & principled way. Based on the idea of God as each individual understands him, the 12 steps are generally spiritual in nature.
In this article series, we examine each of the 12 step principles from a SOZO client’s perspective, as they journey through the twelve steps. Through direct survey feedback, we’ll join various clients and their growing awareness of the spiritual principles behind each step in this series of articles.
After you build your list with brotherly love, learn how to approach step 9 making amends without causing further harm.
Questions people ask
What is step 8 in AA?
Step eight requires people to make a list of all the persons they harmed. They must also become willing to make amends to everyone on that list.
What is step 8 in recovery?
Clients list the people they wronged due to their substance abuse. The spiritual principle behind this action is brotherly love.
What is step 8 of the 12 steps?
This step focuses on personal relations and learning to live with others. People survey their past to find the harm they caused.
Read next: Step 9 AA and the Justice of Making Direct Amends